so this happened

jeremy and i graduated from marriage counseling!!

us on the last morning of our mexican vacation, july 2014.

our final therapy session with dr. vermiller was monday, august 25th. we spent the hour recalling the year gone by, recapping what we've learned and remembering to continue building upon our foundation that's now been shored up strong. from start to finish we spent almost exactly one year in counseling, with over 20 sessions under our belt. dr. vermiller assured us this is actually very quick progress. he was proud of how far we've come (both personally and as a couple) and how hard we worked to rediscover joy in our relationship.

it was hard to think back to where we started. we were in a very broken, hopeless place one year ago.

but it was good; a reminder about why we are both committed to never going back there again.


here are my final thoughts on counseling:

- it's one of the greatest gifts a person can give themselves!
- it can really suck at times.
- choosing the right therapist is key. you want someone who encourages you, yet challenges you.
- a therapist cannot do the work for you. he can lead you in the right direction but ultimately saving your marriage (or whatever you need to focus on) is your choice.
- i fully expect jeremy and i will need a "booster" session or two at some point down the road and that doesn't doesn't bother me. it actually makes me feel really smart. we've set up a safety net for our marriage and won't have any difficulty calling for back-up if we need it.

how we love

source

jeremy and i had a counseling session a couple months back in which i sorta kinda freaked out.

i knew i had sorta kinda lost it because after i finished yelling and waving my hands, but while i was still crying and blowing my nose, i looked up and realized jer had gotten real quiet and our doctor had gotten real calm and it hit me...when you let outsiders (in this case a professional therapist) in on the brutally honest moments it's sorta kinda embarrassing!

but after embarrassment fades you begin to discover that healing thrives in brutal honesty.

my rant and jeremy's reaction to it allowed our psychologist to truly see for the first time the pattern that exists within our relationship. before we left his office that day the doctor suggested we read the book how we love by milan & kay yerkovich, a book about marriage and how our current relationships are affected by the imprints we received during childhood. the book does not focus on blame for the way we were or weren't raised, it simply helps us to see why we love the way we do.

and how we can fix it. ha!

i bought the book that afternoon, dove in as soon as it arrived on my doorstep, but stopped dead in my tracks at the beginning of chapter two. you see the authors base their premise about marriage relationships on one question. it's a question that kept me from opening the book again for nearly one month.

can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress?

...

what's your answer?


how you answer that question, along with other information about your childhood, will place you into one of five categories. as it turns out i am a vacillator and jeremy is an avoider.

"when these two imprints collide, avoiders constantly feel in trouble for disappointing their spouse. the passionate connection and intense good feelings of the early relationship are replaced by the vacillator's anger, hurt and disappointment that comes as 'real life' sets in. avoiders retreat and take care of themselves just like they've always done. while avoiders are learning to deal with their feelings, vacillators are devastated when the connection is lost. they feel abandoned as they discover the avoider's inability to connect. initially willing to work hard to get the avoider to respond and engage, vacillators become increasingly angry when they see the avoider is incapable of providing the consistent connection they desire."

that is exactly us.

that is our pattern, played over and over again in many different way throughout our nearly ten years together. 

we are working hard to change our imprints and our patterns.

it's a brutal, honest, reallyreallygood process where healing is growing.


i've written more than i intended to here. the initial point of this post was to encourage you to buy this book. our psychologist believes it will really help jeremy and me and although i have not finished it (i'm digesting it slowly) i highly recommend it too. i think it would be an excellent resource for any person in a relationship whether they are struggling or not. i am fascinated by the concept of "why we do the things we do" and this book has been a huge help - a jeremy & rachel owner's manual? - in finding out some of the causes for the effects we've noticed within our marriage.

it might be a great owner's manual for some of you out there too.

free therapy advice - the "who me?" edition

it was four weeks ago or so that jeremy, dr. vermiller and i all got a good chuckle during our counseling session when i said, "so we started therapy eight months ago because i thought something was really wrong with jeremy but now it seems as though i'm the one with all the issues."

yup. sometimes the truth hurts.

but sometimes it makes you laugh.

this was a good realization, the kind that checks your heart and corrects your vision.

us on the morning of graham's preschool graduation, harrison was our photographer

so here's your free therapy advice for today: if you call to schedule an appointment with a psychologist in desperation because you know something is wrong with your spouse...or if you've been obsessing about all the things your spouse is or isn't doing that contribute to your relationship woes...this probably says more about you than it does about your spouse. 

take that and think on it for awhile.


now this does not mean your spouse is completely free of relationship responsibility, but it does mean that you likely have much more of a role in matters than you are even aware of.

happy friday, friends!

on marriage - a little more free therapy advice

remember the wedding scene in the princess bride when the priest says

mawage. 

mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. 

mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... 

yeah. sometimes that arrangement doesn't feel so bwessed and dweam-wike, does it?

but, then, sometimes it does!

today in therapy jeremy finally had a breakthrough. it had to do with how he views work - the thoughts he tells himself about work. turns out, even though he's heard me beg him to stop working so much he believes he's not being a good provider unless he's working at a ridiculous level. i want to be careful not to tell his story because only he can do that, but i walked away from our appointment with this understanding: what jeremy and i are individually learning about ourselves is really the same thing. the way we think - our deeply held beliefs - shapes who we are and what we do. even if we are motivated to make changes in our lives, we won't see results until we can address the thoughts we have about our lives. 

powerful stuff. 

regarding jeremy's work, i'll tell you about my struggle. i gravitate toward thinking "he can't get home for dinner so he must not love me" or "he's working so late because he doesn't want to be around me" or "i can't compete with a computer" or "he's never home so i'm just done with him." feeling disconnected, feeling unloved, feeling jealous, feeling resentful...those are the feelings that result from the out of control thoughts in my head.

but if i tell myself, "he's really working late tonight, he must be having trouble with a project" or "i know he would rather be home with us, what a bummer for him that he can't be" or "what can i do to help him get through this stressful day" or "let's make the most of the time he is home." feeling sympathetic, feeling supportive, feeling helpful, feeling like a team...these are the feelings that can come if i choose to have a positive outlook toward jeremy's work. 

his job isn't something i should be resentful of, it's a blessing for our family. the amount he works isn't something i need to rile against. rather, i need to be a support for him as grapples with finding work/life balance. 

we all have our things. our issues. our struggles. 

within marriage we can decided how we want to react toward our partner's things. 

will i choose to be a helper or a hurt-er?

i was texting with a friend this morning and passed along this little nugget of information...our therapist was not at all surprised to find jeremy and me in his office when graham (our youngest son) was age four, turning five. nor was he surprised to hear i had felt disconnected in our marriage for years. apparently this is incredible common!!!! according to him, with the birth of each child, the marriage goes through a valley. there might be a few highs and lows while you're in the valley, but you are still in a valley. it's not until about the time the child turns five that the marriage is out of the valley and on firmer ground. sadly, at that point many marriages turn into divorces because the disconnection that occurred in the valley was just too much to bear and the couple can't make their way back together again. 

interesting, isn't it? 

don't you wish someone had told you that before you had kids? like, really told you that. like, sat you down, looked you in the eyes and said, "protect your marriage with everything you've got because you're about to go through turmoil and you absolutely can make it to the other side but you've gotta fight, fight, fight for each other to get there!" 

but no one tells you that. 

thank god for counselors who welcome you to their offices and say, "guess what! you're not alone! lots of other married people feel exactly the same way!"

jeremy and i, though, are living proof that even if you aren't told in advance you can still come out the other side and actually know and love each other more! we started marriage counseling in september, we've been fighting for each other for five months and today he had an awesome breakthrough. it's a good, good feeling. 

it makes me smile almost as much as the wedding scene in the princess bride.

 

a bit of free therapy advice for you

our psychologist said something to jeremy and me yesterday which i found so powerful:

an expectation 

is an offense 

waiting to happen

it doesn't matter what type of relationship, whether it's with my spouse, my children, my friends, my co-workers, my parents, my in-laws...

if i have unrealistic, unreasonable, or most often in my case unSPOKEN expectations...

i am setting everyone up for failure. 

in order to have fruitful relationships i must measure my own expectations. what are my children actually capable of in this situation? have i voiced my expectation to my husband? am i being realistic about so-and-so or such-and-such? 

avoiding the sometimes difficult work of asking tough questions (of myself), altering my expectations, letting go of unreasonable hopes and explaining my thoughts breeds frustration, impatience, anger and resentment.

this places the people i love in an impossible position, where they will never be able to meet my standards.

and i set myself up to be offended and disappointed.



conversely, if i can take a few moments to figure out if my expectations are realistic, reasonable and then explain my expectations (and discuss them, being open to adjusting them) i will put my loved ones in a position to succeed!

and i set myself up to encourage and support and praise...which creates an environment (a relationship) full of peace and joy and love.



expectations can be a very good thing.

but out of control expectations will bring disconnect every single time.

 

2013: it was a rebuilding year

if i had known when it started what 2013 would bring i'm certain i would have booked a trip to tahiti and hidden in an over-water bungalow for twelve months. escape has always been my m.o.

the things is, though, now that the year has drawn to a close and i, once again, have hope for the future, i realize the tearing-down and rebuilding have been priceless in terms of my overall growth as a person, a wife, and a mom. i still have so much to learn and so many areas where i need to grow and there is still so much about which i'm unsure. but of this i am certain: had i run away and checked out on this past year, 2014 would look entirely different.

y'all have walked along on this adventure with me. you've read with teary eyes about my son's inability to express his love for me. you've read with overflowing hearts about the exhaustion of evaluations and treatments and decisions. you've even read snippets of my own emotional distress about parenting a child with a diagnosis. and even though i touched a bit on the depression i carried last winter, i never completely revealed to you the total break down that has occurred within me. and within my marriage.

there is an aftermath the occurs following diagnosis. an adjustment period. a leveling out. a transition to one's new "normal". i would venture to say this is true for any diagnosis - whether spd, autism, diabetes or cancer. i wouldn't dare to rate those different ailments on a scale of better or worse, but i will say this: when a child is diagnosed with a spectrum disorder it is often accompanied by a realization that one or both parents also suffer from their own spectrum-y issues. it's a double whammy.

the first eight or nine months of 2013 knocked us down and tore us apart. the clean up began in the last third of the year. 2014 promises continued maintenance on what was rebuilt...along with a positive outlook for continued construction and an abundant life.

now that i am - we are - in a better, more connected, more stable place, i believe it's important to talk about the break down. i have to write about it simply for my own understanding - my therapy. but also for anyone who might benefit from my honesty. "an unexamined life is not worth living" is what socrates said. i believe that. but i also believe we have to share what we learn because it's not just the examination that's worthwhile, it's the exchange.

an unexchanged life is not worth living.

i'm not sure exactly where to start. i suppose it's safe to say i had been feeling disconnected from jeremy even before the issues with harrison came to light. long before. i recall sitting across the dinner table from him back in september of 2012, after having been on a romantic weekend away that wasn't all that romantic, confessing that i'd felt disconnected for a very long time and begging him to stop working so much. so we didn't have the firmest of foundations when harrison was evaluated and his treatment became our primary focus. our marriage had not been a priority for quite some time but it really took a rear seat last year. jeremy focused on working to pay for therapy. i focused on getting harrison to and from therapy and learning as much as i could about how to help our son.

when parents carry sole responsibilities instead of shared responsibilities, a chasm occurs.

in our case it only made our disconnect wider.

as the year progressed and my research increased i began to realize how differently jeremy and i think. men and women, generally speaking, have brains that process in polar opposite ways. so there's that. but imagine you could rate your brain on a scale of "typical-ness"... on a scale of 0-200, i would be an 18 and jeremy would be a 143. a 125 point spread. disconnect.



“i was a math nerd in high school. i took calculus as a junior. i loved working with numbers because everything just fit. had i not gotten into computer networking i'd probably still be doing pages and pages of math to this day. i like it when everything fits. i NEED everything to fit. when things fit it's like my brain feels physically lighter and i get a brief moment of peace,” he said.


“but you fell in love with a girl who doesn't fit. she buys you clothes you don't like to wear. she cooks you food you really don't want to eat. she doesn't fold the receipts correctly, nor does she put them in order by date or by size. you have a wife who doesn't fit,” i said.


"YES," he exclaimed. 

it was a moment of clarity. i finally realized why i had felt ignored by my husband for much of our marriage. with a tear streaming down my right cheek i said, "it's much easier for you to sit in front of your computer, collecting and cataloging data, than it is to interact with your wife who doesn't fit.”

“yes,” he said, softer this time. a tear escaped his eye too. it rolled down his left cheek, creating a mirror image of mine.

i said the only thing left to say, “that's the problem, honey.”

this conversation took place in august. it was the first honest talk jeremy and i had about our marriage. it was the first time i understood the depth of our issues and the lengths we would need to go to save our relationship. 

even after this chat jeremy revealed that he did not feel disconnected from me at all. not even a little bit. my complaints about our marriage not only came out of left field, they hit him upside the head and knocked him to the dirt. disconnect.

in september i called a psychologist. i made an appointment for myself. i begged jeremy to go too. in fact i threatened him. go or get out. another disconnect. 

i spent the first three therapy sessions sobbing and blowing my nose and catching my breath. i spent the next three analyzing and understanding and focusing on change. changing myself. changing my thoughts. it turns out jeremy was not solely responsible for making me feel ignored in our marriage. my own thoughts - my deeply negative thinking about myself, others, life, the world, the things that happen to us - were a major factor in the disconnect that occurred within my marriage, but also within me individually. 

i signed up for counseling to deal with my son's diagnosis and to salvage my marriage when in actuality what i really needed was to rebuild myself.

although i wrote on this very blog about how i believe "everything happens for a reason" and "all things work out for good" and "this life is a great adventure...it's a journey", my internal thoughts were calling BULLSHIT! my mind was thinking "i'm exhausted" and "i can't deal with this" and "why do i have to do it all by myself" and "this is too much" and "i feel so alone." my mind was focusing on every negative aspect of harrison's diagnosis (because that's what i was training to do - notice his behaviors, figure out why he's acting that way, and modify my own behavior or the situation to help him cope). my mind was reeling with the unattractive pieces of jeremy's personality. and my own. i was everyone's worst critic, but i always saved the worst of the worst for myself.

i lacked the the energy to see the good. the inside of my brain was a mess with worry and fear and doubt and suspicion. and the worst part of all was that I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA I WAS THINKING SO NEGATIVELY. i had lost the ability to live a conscious life. there was no examining my own mind. i was too busy analyzing the external happenings around me - and interpreting them negatively - to even notice the wrecking that was taking place within.

what i began slowly, painstakingly learning in therapy is that i cannot live a healthy, productive life if i don't have healthy, productive thoughts. i cannot have a happy marriage if the loop in my head continually plays to me how unhappy and hopeless my marriage is. i will never have a right relationship with my son if i'm constantly reminding myself about all he has to overcome and worrying that he'll never be able to do so. cognitive behavior therapy has helped me recognize that, while i cannot control the events around me, i can control my reaction to them and my thoughts about them. 

jeremy and i have been seeing our doctor faithfully each week since late september - first separately, then together. he's given us assignments. i was asked to keep a gratitude journal, to write down three things i'm thankful for each day. i was told to monitor my thinking and to try hard to catch my negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. i'll be frank with you, at first i had no idea how to do that. my therapist had to give me examples of positive thoughts! (i'm blushing; embarrassed at such a confession). one session he said, "rachel, your marriage is strong" and i remember being amazed at that idea. he went on to give me lots of examples of how jeremy is an awesome, competent partner and how harrison is an amazing, bright boy. ultimately, he showed me if i could simply change the connotation with which i interpret things, i'd see their incredible qualities too. 

i am far from whole. i feel as though my foundation - our foundation - has been shored up and our structure is sound. we've got a house that's liveable but we're still adding the special touches that make it a home. i do finally feel connected to my husband again. he has done an outstanding job of working toward regaining my trust and i am doing my best to trust him. we are showing up for each other. and that's a really powerful thing. 

i mess up every day. i still think negatively. and i still speak negatively. and i still hurt others. and i'm still hardest on myself. but at least now i'm trying really, really hard to forgive myself when i mess up, let it go, and just do the next right thing. i'm better able to catch my negative (worrisome, anxious, harsh, always jump to the worst case scenario) thoughts and replace them with good.

in 2013 i learned so much about my son. not all moms are able to say they know their child as well as i know mine. i'm not saying that to brag. but it sounds like bragging, doesn't it? and isn't it something to brag about?! i know harrison so well and i wouldn't have that deep, special relationship with him if i'd hopped a flight to tahiti. i learned about myself this year. how to be more of who god calls me to be - someone who's full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. how to focus on things that are noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy. how to tune out the lies and focus on truth. i learned things about my husband that hadn't before been revealed in nearly ten years of marriage. he and i are convinced our ten year anniversary celebration (and vacation!) will be all the sweeter for having walked through the mire these past months (and in the months to come). we are, more than ever, committed to each other and have reached a deeper level of understanding about how the other sees the world.

in 2013 i learned that diagnosis doesn't have to lead to divorce. 

instead, it can lead to discovery.

and the greatest discoveries in the world are the ones found right in your own back yard.

come what may in 2014, if i feel the need to escape to tahiti i'll be taking jeremy, harrison and graham with me. an over-water bungalow would undoubtedly be more fun if i shared it with them.

i met my husband on eharmony.com (back when no one met their husband online)

it was early spring 2003. people were still using aol - you've got mail - and dial-up. if you owned a cell phone it was a nokia. gasoline cost less than $1.00 per gallon. the radio played linkin park and norah jones and evanescence. cameras still used film. the only place to rent videos was blockbuster. friends was still the best show on tv. no one owned an ipod, unless they worked in the actual music industry. the itunes music store hadn't launched yet. the digital life as we know it today simply didn't exist.

it was only one decade ago. but it was a different time.

i was 26 years old, living in and driving my honda crx around bartlesville, oklahoma, a town of 35,000 people. i worked at a non-denominational church as the assistant youth director. basically, my job was to pour into the lives of teen and preteen girls. i would go to their schools to eat lunch with them. i would take them out for ice cream and dinner and sonic vanilla cokes. i would hang out with them. i would lead girl's bible studies. i would plan activities for them. i would go on trips with them. i would pray with them. i would talk with them about life and school and boys and god and clothes and girl stuff. my job was fun. 

the people i worked with were fun too. there were lots of very cool people on staff but the ones i was closest to were danny, the youth ministry director and chris, the worship leader and kylie, the children's ministry director. danny and chris were roommates. kylie and i were roommates. we were all in our twenties. we hung out together all the time. it was the christian, small town oklahoma version of friends.

until danny got married...and kylie got married...and chris left to take a different job...and slowly i became the one left behind. things were changing. 

it was at that time the lead pastor, rod macilvaine - hot bod rod, or hbr, as we affectionately called him (not to his face) - suggested that i look into eharmony.com. you see, bartlesville, oklahoma wasn't exactly a thriving metropolis of bachelors. pickins were slim. i have no idea why he told me about online dating. he was "in the business" as kylie liked to say; he had a direct line to god. so perhaps his suggestion was divinely inspired? or maybe he saw a loneliness (probably more like a lost-ness) in me? or maybe he just thought it would be a fun distraction? whatever the case, his intentions were good but i thought he had lost his mind!

i had never heard of eharmony! no way was i going to get online and troll for a husband!

but then danny and i went to atlanta, georgia for a conference and as we were driving north on i-85 i noticed a billboard. from a graphic design standpoint it was the simplest billboard i have ever seen. a white background with giant green letters printed across it: eharmony.com. it was a sign. literally and figuratively. i thought to myself maybe hot bod rod isn't crazy. i guess if they have billboards it must be a legit thing. i suppose i could check it out.

when we returned from our conference i opened up the eharmony web page and started to read about how this whole online dating thing works. you have to PAY MONEY to do this?! and you have to answer a 500 QUESTION survey?! you have got to be kidding me!!

off to hbr's office i went...

um, pastor rod, did you know you have to pay money to do eharmony? and did you know you have to answer 500 questions? that will take hours!

his reply, i'll never forget...

rachel, i can't tell you what to do but i can tell you this: there is a level of commitment in any man who is willing to answer an extensive survey and pay money to meet you. and that level of commitment is a good thing.

those words convinced me enough to fill out the bloody survey and pay the dang money.

but it wasn't until i was "matched" with a cute doctor from nearby tulsa that i started getting excited about where this crazy adventure might take me.

and who i might meet along the way!