radio silence

it's been nearly one month since i've written about anything.

i've opened up my blog many times, stared at the blank screen, then shut down.

the things i'd like to write about are deep and it feels phony to post about the light and airy.

so i've stayed silent. 

i've been learning quite a bit about myself these past weeks (months? years?). i've been digging in to the things of my past and how they correlate to the things of my present and how they will continue to affect my future until i tell them to stop. i've felt a desperate need to write about it all - to get it out of my head and onto a page so that i don't have to think about it anymore - and yet i've written nothing. 

sometimes it's best, easier to leave things unsaid.

because they are really hard to talk about.

because feelings would undoubtedly get hurt and that's risky.

am i willing to trade peace of mind and growth and connection with my husband to spare others?

so far the answer has been yes.


the saying goes we can do hard things. i quote this to my boys often. but the saying doesn't go we can do really, really hard things.

and this feels really, really hard.

so i suppose what i'm going to do now is hit publish and let these words sit out in internet land while i build up my courage.

i'll be back. 

things to know before your child has a tonsilectomy

 the necessities - humidifier, kleenex, water bottle, gatorade bottle, pillows & blankets, puke bowl...

and a get well balloon from a friend.

here is a list of things you may want to know before your son or daughter has a tonsilectomy and/or adenoidectomy...


1) stock up on candles.

you will want to have a yummy-smelling candle burning in your home at all times post surgery in an effort to combat the stench of decomposing flesh that will come out of your child's mouth, permeate everything in its path and linger in the air. disgusting is not a strong enough word to describe the horrific odor. the scent that seemed to work the best was cinnamon.


2) stock up on gatorade and pellet ice (can be purchased at sonic).

the most important thing post surgery is to push fluids. while water is good, gatorade or pedialyte or even juice is a better option because they provide much-needed calories and electrolytes. my boys loved chocolate milk more than anything else because it coated their throat. while chocolate milk probably wasn't as good a choice as gatorade, it was still better than water.

ice chips were a godsend. every morning my boys re-hydrated their dry throats with a cupful of ice pellets. when it hurt them too much to drink anything they were still willing to suck on ice chips.


3) stock up on cold foods and easy to swallow foods.

our favorites were chocolate pudding, yogurt, popsicles, fudgsicles and ice cream. those were our main food groups along with the occasional frosty from wendy's or milkshake from chick-fil-a. eventually the boys graduated to tiny amounts of mac & cheese and pears...but not much else was consumed by them until ten days post surgery.


4) stock up on tylenol and motrin, in multiple flavors.

your child will likely need medicine every three hours throughout the day for ten days. that's a TON of medicine. and taking that much medicine will get old real fast, especially if it hurts to swallow. having medicine in different flavors made it a bit more bearable.


5) be aware that, generally, the older your child is the longer it will take to heal.

graham is 19 months younger than harrison. graham felt better a full two days before harrison did. i believe i was so ignorant about the healing time involved in this surgery because i listened to friends whose kids had a tonsilectomy at age two or age three and they told me their kids recovered quickly. that was not our experience at all. ten days post surgery seemed to be when my boys finally felt better.


6) be aware that, generally, recovery from a tonsilectomy does not get easier each day.

they will have good days and then bad days. don't be surprised if your child is outside playing one day and is screaming in pain the next. the post-op literature suggested that days 3-5 might be the hardest. for us it was days 6-8. they were hell. like no one in our house got any sleep for three days kind of hell. on day 9 graham went with jeremy to see the harlem globetrotters game (in a suite, away from the crowds) while i took harrison to the emergency room because his pain was out of control. good days, then bad days, then good days again.


6) be aware that there is a medicine called "magic mouthwash" and it is a miracle.

magic mouthwash is a compound medicine that contains lidocaine. it is swished in the mouth or gargled and then spit out. it took harrison from an eleven on the pain scale down to a two in less than 30 seconds. it's a very helpful drug for a child who is refusing to drink and/or eat and is at risk of dehydrating.


7) be aware that your child will be prescribed a narcotic.

at first this did not seem to be a big deal. and it wasn't a big deal for graham at all. but for harrison, my sensory superhero, his body reeeeeaaaaallllly liked the narcotic and his body reeeeeeaaaaaalllllllly freaked out when he couldn't have the narcotic anymore. his day of withdrawal from that opiate was absolutely without a doubt the worst day i've ever had with my sweet boy. he was KAH-RAZY! so, if your child has sensory issues, please be advised that any medicine, but especially addictive medicines, might affect him more strongly/adversely than it would a typical child.


8) use a cold water humidifier at all times post surgery, especially if you live in a dry climate.


9) be aware that your child might vomit on the way home from the hospital.

we always save empty plastic containers to recycle as in-the-car puke bowls - yogurt tubs, margarine tubs...we never leave home without them.


10) be prepared that the only thing your child will want to do is lie on the couch (and you won't be able to do much else either).

load your apple tv or dvr with tv shows and movies, stock up on books and ipad games. don't forget to get a few books for yourself!! eventually the boys wanted to play card games and board games which was a welcome break from ALL.THE.TELEVISION!



i think that's all the advice i have to give.

all in all, if i had it to do over again, i would absolutely have both my kids do surgery at the same time. i cannot imagine how difficult it would have been to balance taking care of one recovering child while trying to occupy another healthy/active child. at least this way we have it all over and done...i would not want to do this a second time!

thursday things that make me think - the spring break is over edition

i'm gonna be honest...i almost forgot it was thursday.

yesterday seemed like a monday.

it was a manic day at the white house.

or perhaps is was a manic depressive day. harrison was manic. i was depressed. ha!

i'll tell you all about it soon.



so here are the things that made me think this week:


i loved this blog post that provides recipes for home-made, all natural, non-toxic cleaning supplies. she even offers a handy printable!

this had me cracking up! 16 children's books retold for adults. (warning: bad language) #'s 6, 15 & 16 are my favorites, with a very special shout out to #1, the very hungry caterpillar, which really did make me laugh out loud. so true!

i very much love this parenting manifesto by dr. brene brown. i have not yet read daring greatly (i'm still in the process of reading her earlier books) but am looking forward to it. the parts that touched me the most were about wanting to take away my kiddos pain but will, instead, sit with them and help them feel it. that is exactly what we are trying to do with harrison and, frankly, what we should all do with all our kids. also she mentions not always doing things perfectly but allowing her kids to see her just being real...good stuff.

i believe my friend rachel shared this on facebook - a great post on ways to reduce anxiety in our kids, especially as they are in new situations. #8 has been one of the biggest ones for harrison. as an example, when we visited our ENT's office for the first time to assess whether he needed tonsil surgery the doctor was very friendly and kind but she kept tickling harrison. her intention was sweet - to connect with him. but tickles are a threat to my son and each time she reached toward him he curled further and further away from her. scenarios like that are tricky. i wish everyone who interacts with my son could read this before they interact with him.

lastly, the movie noah is making some big waves. haha, no pun intended. i very much enjoyed this article that analyzes the worldview with which the film was written and directed. (thank you to my friends steve and jon who shared it on facebook). as i wrote to a friend this morning - it only makes sense that we can't understand something unless we can see it through the lens with which it was created. i think christians would be less up in arms if they simply understood that the film is not a depiction on the biblical noah. and, frankly, they'd look less stupid too.

alright folks. happy thursday to you!

thursday things that make me think - friday edition

i realize it's friday but this week i'm running a day late and, heck, i'm always running a dollar short so here ya go...




i think i want to adopt kid president. not as my son but as my mentor. :-) love his latest video. the whole wide world should watch this every single day.


i think band headshots/promotional photos are hilarious. rarely are they done well. this lineup for the upcoming icthus music festival made me laugh out loud. i think the least annoying photo of the bunch probably belongs to the headliner switchfoot.  most annoying award goes to transform djs - what's with holding a piece of tape and turning your head sideways? kudos to leaders - i have no idea who they are but i like that they're wearing whosoevers t-shirts.


i think this video of glennon doyle melton is so powerful. i love toward the end when she says something along the lines of everything has to fall apart in order for you to find what is indestructible about you.


i think this artist's creative ability to make normally ugly protective headgear down right cool is amazing! my favorite is definitely the aviator helmet.


did you see the march madness rat bracket? the boys and i loved watching this.


i think this is a lovely post.  maybe it’s writing. maybe it’s songwriting. maybe it is managing finances, or growing companies or making kids feel precious and loved...i can’t stop thinking about what would happen if i got over myself and just started sharing what i’ve been given...using your gifts is heroic.


happy weekend to you all!

post op progress

the following is a photographic representation of what it's like for two boys to have and recover from surgery at the same time.  (unedited iphone photos)

meme snapped this pic on her phone. early morning in the waiting room at children's hospital north surgery center.

quietly taking turns playing angry birds.

pre-op. harrison looks angry but really they were both just sleepy. they were in good spirits. harrison chose to bring stinger the stingray into surgery with him. graham chose manny the manatee.

the pre-op nurse, marcia, was fabulous with both boys. she brought in a bucket of cars to keep them occupied. at one point she asked the boys if they had any questions and harrison asked where's the pepperoni pizza? which caused graham to ask where's the macaroni and cheese?. sweet marcia played along with their silly requests, went away and came back a few minutes later with a color photo print out of my kiddos favorite foods.

pre-op selfie. jeremy walked back to the operating room with graham while i stayed with harrison. then i walked harrison back. they allowed us to stay with them until they were asleep.

graham took this pic of jer. oh and graham was also excited about the television saying wow they have free tv!  cracked me up.

here's graham post op. this was after he finished puking and crying and panicking and finally calmed down and went back to sleep. i must admit this was the first moment i thought oh my gosh what did i just put my boy through?

here's harrison post op. this was after he stopped kicking and fighting and crying and finally calmed down and went back to sleep. i was in recovery with graham when they brought harrison out of surgery. there is a reason why they don't bring parents back to the recovery area until kids have settled down somewhat. it was absolutely awful to hear him as he was waking up. i was kind of freaking out because the nurses were loud and stern with him - not mean, not at all, but far too loud for his superhero ears. jeremy came back and took over with graham so i could go quietly, calmly, softly comfort and reassure harrison.

it wasn't long before we loaded up and headed home.

 this is harrison on the drive home. face in puke bowl (which i smartly brought from home. it's an old 32 oz. yogurt container. we don't leave home without them) with ice pack on forehead and neck. fast asleep. he puke once on the way home.

here's grumpy graham on the drive home. ice pack on neck, puke bowl in hand. he puked once on the way home too.

this is me on the way home, sitting between the boys in the back, dishing out the ice chips and kleenex.

home and settled.

finally waking up a bit to watch a cartoon.

first post surgical popsicle.

harrison has probably only spoken a few words since surgery. he prefers to type his thoughts on my phone. sweet boy.

day two.

day three.

day three. graham started to run a fever.

day four.

day four.

this was yesterday. day five. my only goal for the day was to get them dressed in real clothes.

day five. we actually opened the front door and windows and let some sunshine in! it was MUCH needed.

in the late afternoon when they were feeling the best we went outside for a bit. i don't think either of them were thrilled about it but the fresh air and sunlight did lots to lift MY spirits. why does this image of graham remind me of john cusack in say anything? i think it's the pants/boots.

all graham needs is a trench coat and a ghetto blaster.  ha! i just typed ghetto blaster!

we tried to putt a few golf balls.

today we are on day six. last night was the most difficult by far which seemed odd to me. perhaps i pushed them too much with the fresh air yesterday?? in any event i am upstairs quickly writing this post and have left them to watch a cartoon by themselves. i'd say that's progress. up until this point i've been at their beck and call 24/7, literally spooning ice chips and holding water bottles and squirting medicine and wiping noses and cutting pears into bits and scooping them into their sore mouths. it's a job i've been happy to do but it's not without exhaustion. it's good to step away for a few minutes and allow my brain to focus on something else.

it's also good to post these photos and see that we are actually recovering - slowly but surely. i was quite naive about how this would affect them. it has been very hard to see them in such pain and to know i'm the one who gave the okay to put them through it. i knew my boys were brave and tough but this process has convinced me even more!

okay...i better get back downstairs and check on them.

the boys are having surgery tomorrow

would you pretty please say a prayer for harrison and graham tomorrow morning? or send positive thoughts, healing light, best wishes, whatever good energy you can forward our direction will be most appreciated!

graham's tonsils and adenoids come out at 8:45, harrison's at 9:30.

i'm told recovery will last between 1-1.5 hours and then we will head home.

have a lovely friday and a relaxing weekend! for those on spring break from school next week, whether you're vacationing or staying home, we will send you best wishes for a wonderful holiday while we rest on the couch, watch videos and eat way too many popsicles.

thursday things that make me think

i have to clarify something from last week's edition of thinking thursday. i'm grateful to my sweet friend rachel ottley who lovingly challenged and voiced her concern regarding my comments about thinking too much...

confession: my therapist did not out and out say "rachel, you think to much".

but that's how i interpreted what he said - i think too much therefore i should stop thinking so much. 

it sounded funny (to me) to write "so, my shrink says i think too much". my attempt at humor i suppose.


what he in fact said and what he confirmed to me again in our session yesterday was that much of his job is actually teaching people how to think - how to live a conscious life. he doesn't have to do that with me. he believes my ability to ponder things deeply is actually an incredible gift. where his concern lies, though, is that people like me often tend to get caught in thoughts, to ruminate, to be too busy thinking about life than actually living life.

as opposed to my negative thoughts which were very out of control, he does NOT think the way i process things (ponder them, write about them) is unhealthy. he simply wants to make sure i stay on top of my thought life, that i am in charge of my thoughts rather than the opposite. i agree with him that i certainly lean in the over-thinking direction and it's good to be aware of that predisposition so that it doesn't lead to consequences such as depression and anxiety (the common side effects of a deep thinker).

thanks for letting me set that straight.

it still sounds sillier to say "my shrink says i think too much".  :-)


so. on to the things that made me think this week...


i think these yoga poses that are said to relieve anxiety might come in handy someday (everyday).

i think this list of must-reads was posted by no less than twenty people in my facebook feed. i've read 18 of them but am feeling challenged to read them all! my very favorite (of the ones i've read) - a prayer for owen meany. i cannot tell you how many times i started and stopped that book. it took me ten years to finally finish it and, by golly, i love, love, LOVED it! i am a big john irving fan.

i think this idea to completely step away from screens for one day each week would be very difficult (hello withdrawal) but very rewarding. i'll let you know if jeremy and i implement this in our family.

i think this 3-ingredient dessert  looks like something jeremy's mom would enjoy. she LOVES chocolate and cherries. and i love an easy recipe!

i think this video about a deep thinking, poetic man who was reunited with his family after 35 years of homelessness is so heartwarming. even though i have been trying to limit my facebook usage lately i cannot deny its beautiful ability to connect people.


happy thursday!