a tale of two trees

last year i confessed to you my obsessive compulsive nature towards decorating our christmas tree. not long after i published that post i received an email from my aunt janet which included an idea to make future tree decorating more pleasant for everyone. once having had two young boys herself, and the longing for a beautiful tree, she described a way to incorporate both. she commented that decorating my christmas tree, taking care to hang the ornaments exactly how i see fit, can be the gift i give myself each year! she suggested asking harrison and graham to select one special ornament to hang on the tree - the very first ornaments that get hung, anywhere they want to hang them. this might be a way to honor them and include them in the decorating but then i could be free (guilt-free) to build an ornament-hanging plan around those two initial ornaments. i thought her ideas were great and would work well for our family, as opposed to what i had been doing, which was to freak out about it or just not let the boys help at all.

i have saved that email from my aunt all year. i have thought about it numerous times. i had planned to do exactly as she suggested.

but then something crazy happened.

i was not in the mood to decorate the tree. i wasn't even in the mood to get out the tree...or sort out the different branches...or put it together...none of it. my christmas spirit was running on empty.

but my boys had enough christmas spirit for us all and they wanted, needed, to put up the tree. 

SO I LET THEM.

and let me tell you something. it was the best christmas ever. they declared me the best mommy in the world. they worked together as a team. they were happy. they didn't fight. they had SO MUCH FUN.

do you want to see the result? here's the iphotographic evidence:

yup. they did this all by themselves. i was such a proud mama.

here's the play by play...

 i was starting to get a wee bit compulsive at this point. but i kept my mouth shut.

 i was starting to hyperventilate at this point. but i kept my mouth shut.

okay at this point i might not have been able to keep my mouth shut and i might have told graham he couldn't hang every single snowman puff ball in the same spot. so he moved one poor lonely puff ball off to the right.

 these five puff balls sure did have fun hanging out together though.

 and these six whitewithredpolkadot ornaments enjoyed being together on the front of the tree. graham likes to group the ornaments together. harrison took a more balanced approach.

i did put the bow on the top and wrapped the ribbon around. i also hung a few of my favorite ornaments, like this moose canteen from a trip to steamboat springs.

 this ski lift to remind us of our trip to crested butte.

 this royal tara porcelain ornament from my trip to ireland.

 graham's handprint ornament that he gave me last year.

 

i was so pleasantly surprised at the awesome job they did. i considered it a christmas miracle. 

until...

harrison told me to turn on the lights.

and i told him there are no lights.

and he nearly cried.

people. i don't know what to say. this was not a mistake. i didn't forget the lights. i purposefully, secretively, chose not to string the lights and hoped to god they wouldn't notice. i didn't have enough christmas spirit to take the strands back and forth, weave them in and out and round and round and AAAAHHHH! so i just skipped over it.

i was this close to getting away with it too!

but when the sun set and the house got darker harrison asked "when are we going to put on the lights?" and i said "you have to put the lights on before the ornaments" and he assumed his grumpy, curlupintoaballandpout position and i honestly questioned whether or not i could just wrap a string of lights on top of everything.

but guess what i did instead...

oh yes. i clamped a light to the bottom of the tree. it cast a little glow. well, at least on the bottom 1/4th of the tree. 

in all honesty i was pretty dang proud of my ingenuity. i was patting myself on the back. high five for problem solving in a pinch!

but harrison still went to bed sad that night. 

so i did what all guilty-feeling moms would do...

the next afternoon we took all the ornaments off the tree and sorted them into piles all over living room. i dug the boxes back out from under the basement stairs, found the lights, wrapped the tree in them and let the boys hang all the ornaments again.

 here it is.

here it is all lit up.

here is the baby jesus. 

surely he prefers lying next to a softly glowing tree.

surely he is shaking his head at me and speaking to me things like...

see, they did such a lovely job decorating the tree. you don't have to be such a tyrant about it.

clearly, if you have enough ornaments it doesn't matter where you place them! it all looks the same in the end anyway!

honestly, child, why do you always have to make things harder than they need to be? couldn't you have mustered up enough of somethin to get those lights hung in the first place?

ha! a clamp light! nice try.

or probably more likely...

rachel, why do you always look for the shortcut? stop that. there is beauty in the long and narrow path. after all, it's not Christmas if you don't have the Light.

counting my blessings - november 30, 2013

number thirty and a confession or two



so...we went to the treehouse yesterday. i was impressed with the progress but discouraged by the amount of work that still needs to be done. the most overwhelming thing to me was balancing keeping my boys entertained and trying to be productive. i did not find success at either. 

i woke up in the night with pain in my temple, behind my left eye and in the left side of my neck and shoulder. i drove the boys home this morning. my brain felt foggy and it probably wasn't the safest decision to drive, but it was certainly saner than staying up at the condo, longing for a dark quiet room, while my boys get into papa's tools and try to kill each other.

confession #1: my migraines do not always make me more patient with my children. this morning i yelled at them and freaked out and caused lots of unnecessary stress for everyone. pain + construction zone = crazy mommy.

confession #2: there are two types of people in this world - those who like to do things themselves and those who like to pay people to do things for them. i am 100% totally and completely the second type of person. god bless DIYers, but i am not one of them. note even close.

as i was lying in bed last night, covering my nose with the sheet and blankets because the dust is SO THICK in the loft and i wanted to create a protective layer between it and me, i was planning how i was going to vacuum the ceilings and all the beams and every inch of that condo. when i was driving home this morning i was daydreaming about who i could hire to vacuum the dust from every square inch of the condo.

i carry a lot of stress. confession #3: i create a lot of stress for myself. when i feel stress my brain and my body freak out. i just don't handle it well at all. and listen, i'm working on it. i'm in therapy. i'm trying to become more zen. but i think part of becoming more zen is 1) to know myself better, to understand how i operate 2) to focus more on the positive and learn better how to cope but, most importantly, 3) to not put myself in stressful situations in the first place!

it is much healthier for me to pay someone else to carry the stress for me.

so that's where i'm at today. longing to hire someone to just finish the dang condo already. stressed because i know that's not going to happen.

what am i thankful for?

i guess i'm thankful that my mother and father-in-law are better able to handle the stress of this project than i am. i am thankful they are able to focus on the positive and continue to persevere through the dust and through my drama. i am thankful they have a vision for what the condo will be - a place to bond with each other, to create memories, to relax after long days of skiing, a place that will be a blessing to us and to others.

i am so very blessed to call them mom and dad.

and here are the photos of how the treehouse looked yesterday:

 boy's room

 master bedroom

 living room, you can peek into the bathroom which is blocked off by stuff

 fireplace

 loft

 loft

 living room

 kitchen

 kitchen floor

the loft. we got the rug rolled out and the boys were actually able to play up there. with toys. not with power tools. thank you jesus.

counting my blessings - november 29, 2013

number twenty-nine


i'm feeling a bit better this morning! thankful!

i am thankful for the treehouse.
 
we are headed up to our condo at some point today. meme, papa, jer and zach have been at the treehouse every weekend since september 20th, working so hard. much of the work is complete -

MANY trips to haul off thirty years of junk
hardwood floors sanded and polyurethaned
old tile pulled up and new laminate floor laid in kitchen
old carpet pulled up and new carpet laid in the rest of the space
all new paint
new sliding glass door and windows
new electric in kitchen
lots of cleaning and dusting and vacuuming
the entire kitchen demolished and a new kitchen waiting to be installed

it has been a huge undertaking!

today will be the first time the boys and i have seen the treehouse since we closed on it ten weeks ago. i'm so excited to see the changes. i'm so excited to take some after photos!

here are the completely unedited, very poorly lit, before photos. pretty much everything you see in the pictures below is now different. and, for that, i am VERY thankful! ha!

 boys bedroom

 boys bedroom, wall with closet

 master bedroom

 master bedroom, private bathroom and closet

 hallway from bedrooms to front door

 bathroom. the two bathrooms won't be renovated until next summer, i'm guessing

 eat in kitchen

 view from kitchen into living room

 loft, which will be our bedroom and a play space for the boys.

 living room, stairs to loft

 loft

 living room

 there used to be a mural - a photo of the mountains - on this wall. seriously.

 kitchen

fireplace.


i am so very blessed.

counting my blessings - thanksgiving day

number twenty-eight


i am thankful for a god who gives us freedom of choice.

a week or so ago my friend michelle sent me a link to this blog post, a lovely reminder to be thankful for the things we normally despise. the author dared her readers to "find the blessing within the curse." she went on to detail her own "unthankful thankful list" which included things like a messy house, financial discomfort, and too much laundry. my list would look fairly similar - thank you for dirty dishes because it means we have full bellies, thank you for the chore of making my bed because it means i had a warm place to sleep...and what about thank you i got stuck behind that infuriatingly slow car because it meant i didn't get caught speeding.

i've written my negative thoughts about my headaches. normally, they are not at all something for which i give thanks. but, today, i'm choosing to find the good in it.

"i place before you life and death, blessing and curse.

choose life so that you and your children will live."

(deuteronomy 30:19)

i am thankful for my migraine headaches. 

i am thankful for migraines because when i have one:

they make me long for heaven

they make me appreciative of my husband

they make me have a quiet and gentle spirit

they make me more patient with my children

they force me to lie down and really rest

they make me compassionate toward others who suffer similarly

they make me realize i'm not in control of things

they give me the opportunity to practice the art of letting go

they make me value my pain-free, energy-filled days so much more

it's thanksgiving day. i am at home, in a great deal of pain. my family is together, eating and lounging and being a family. it would be easy to be bothered by that and, yet, instead i find myself choosing to think...

i am so very blessed.

 

counting my blessings - november 26 & 27, 2013

number twenty-six and twenty-seven


i'm just going to have to second the things my boys said they were thankful for yesterday.



while i was cooking dinner i asked harrison to help by setting the table. he was placing a fork near each plate and, out of the blue, said, "mommy, can we decorate for christmas?"

"no, we have to wait until after thanksgiving," i replied.

"but why?"

"because we need to concentrate on the things we are thankful for first. we need to have grateful hearts, during thanksgiving, before we can truly celebrate christmas."

he worked silently for a few minutes then walked into the kitchen and said with a smile, "mommy, do you know what i'm thankful for? that i have a good daddy."

i hugged him, kissed his hair, and responded, "i sure am thankful you have a good daddy, too, buddy."



not much later, while sitting around the table filling our bellies with tacos (one meal i am VERY thankful everyone in the family eats), harrison brought up the subject again. we all started discussing the things we are thankful for.

graham volunteered, "i have one. i'm thankful for god, for jesus."


ditto, little mister. ditto.


i am so very blessed.

counting my blessings - november 25, 2013

number twenty-five

i am thankful for an intelligent god, who created human beings in his image - intelligently. intricately. masterfully. i am thankful for a god who allows us teeny tiny glimpses of his work - a bit of understanding about brain pathways here, a snippet of knowledge about the brain/gut connection there, a peek of awareness regarding how play therapy and listening therapy physically change the brain's "wiring". i am thankful for a god of transformation.


i am thankful for how harrison has been transformed.

he finished therapy in july.

he started school in august. he did not adjust well to school. it was not easy.

in september i was sending full-on panic mode, frantic text messages to his occupational therapists with statements like "should i be seeing WORSE behaviors since completing treatment? he had his worst meltdown EVER today."

he seemed so angry. he did not seem like harrison. i wondered what in the world had happened to my sweet, quiet boy.

i am thankful for rachel ottley who, after deeper discussion, texted back this: 

"he should feel things deeply - frustration, anger - because then he will feel joy and love that deeply too." 

that was all it took. that one comment and i was all in. no more worry or fear about what was happening inside my son. i understood then my task was to help him feel all his emotions deeply, help him identify what each one was and deal with it in an acceptable way. the rest of september, october and even now we are working on this. 

we are seeing transformation!

a couple weeks back jeremy and i picked up harrison from school and actually ended up calling him a chatterbox! my son, a chatterbox? we were astounded!

i was equally as astounded by the number of circles of communication he had with my dad while in iowa. heck, i'm still floored at the circles he has with me. while at church the sunday we were in iowa, harrison and i wrote notes back and forth during the entire sermon. question and answer kind of notes. conversation kind of notes. keep them forever kind of notes. 

the other day i was lying on the couch and he came over to me and held my face in his hands for no reason at all except just to touch. he reached out and touched me and held the touch. it was powerful.

he's asking for hugs. asking for hugs! transformed, i tell you.

last night he and i gave each other zerbert kisses back and forth a few times. it tickled him and he had to "wipe off" the tickle each time, but he kept asking for more. astounded.

last week the boys had their regular dental check up. dental cleanings are hard for harrison but he's always handled it well. my hunch is that he does so well because his body goes into "freeze" mode rather than into "fight" or "flight". the same thing happens during haircuts. the stylists always (always!) comment on how still he sits. little do they know it's because internally his body is freaking out. but...during his tooth polishing last week he actually raised his hand to ask the hygienist to stop (before the appointment i told both boys they were allowed to do that). she gave him a moment to breathe and then he was able to continue on. i was pleased and surprised he was able to express himself by raising his hand. but there was one bigger lesson that came from that dentist visit.

harrison has never been able to have tooth xrays taken. the've tried each time for the past two years. he gags. he can't handle holding the little bite piece in his mouth. last week he was finally able to get one good, non-blurry xray! but it took him four tries. he gagged, he didn't like it, but he kept trying. our sweet dentist, after the fourth try, said there was no need to continue and praised harrison for what he was able to do. 

graham has never had dental xrays taken. they would have taken some last time had he not had the vomiting disaster. but anyway. last week graham was able to hold still for two xrays. he did it perfectly on the first try. it was easy for him.

harrison was not happy about this. while leaving the dentist's office harrison said, "ugh! i'm so frustrated! it's not fair that graham only had to do two xrays and i had to do four!" i explained that "graham was able to hold really still so his xrays weren't blurry but you kept wiggling so your xrays were blurry so they kept taking more in hopes of getting a good picture." harrison replied, "i hate that thing and i keep touching it with my tongue!" i told him that's exactly why the pictures were blurry.

this lead to a good conversation about how every person has different strengths and different weaknesses...how graham's mouth is not as sensitive as harrison's...how god created all our bodies differently...how it's brave to persevere even when something is hard...how we can do hard things!

but that's not the point of this post. the point is this: do you know how awesome it is that harrison was able to 1) get frustrated 2) identify the emotion 3) verbalize why he was frustrated 4) deal with it appropriately 5) have a conversation about it 6) move on?

i walked away from that moment thinking wow! my son is frustrated because life isn't fair! that is just. so. NORMAL!

astounded. 

in november i am seeing lots of evidence that harrison's body has changed. i feel as though my sweet boy is back. but he's not quiet anymore.

i am so very, very blessed.

 

counting my blessings - catching up

so this is what happens when you take a trip to iowa and your parent's computer crashes every time you try to login to your blog. and this is what happens when you get home from iowa and your husband decided to tinker with your computer while you were away. total blog silence. i have been counting on my facebook page but feel the perfectionist need to repeat my blessings here so the list will be complete. and because it's just a perfectionist need. sigh.

number eleven - i am thankful for a husband who took a day off to hang with us and drive us to the airport.

number twelve - i am thankful i was able to HUG my sister-in-law, brother, nephew and niece.

number thirteen - i am thankful for a husband who makes a run to the store while i'm out of town to buy gluten-free pancake mix while it's on sale for one day only. ($8 off baby!)

number fourteen - i am thankful i can tell my niece how beautiful she is and play "make-up" with her. little girls are fun!

number fifteen - i am thankful we can celebrate my grahamer's FIFTH birthday in iowa. i am thankful for the super fun, super loving boy he is.

number sixteen - i am thankful for a lovely trip to iowa and back. some fun memories were made. "oh, baloney!" and "bad grandpa!" and "where's my hat?" were the favorite phrases of the week.

number seventeen - i am thankful to be home and back to a routine.

number eighteen - i am soooo thankful for a husband who wakes up early to make me coffee!!!!!

number nineteen - i am thankful harrison's body seems to have stabilized in a "just right" level of arousal. we've had some really great days. weeks, even!

number twenty - i am thankful for a husband who does hard things and makes hard choices to honor me and our marriage.

number twenty-one - i am thankful i can drop my boys at school, skip Pilates, ignore the dishes and climb into bed with a cup of coffee, a book and a down comforter. it's a beautiful day!

number twenty-two - i am very thankful for a person of integrity who turned in my missing billfold with cash in it. i am thankful "a little voice" told me to call target to see if i left my billfold there. i mean, where else would it be?!

number twenty-three -

 i am thankful for love notes.


number twenty-four -

i am thankful for a crazy messy house because it meant i was able to ignore my kids (aka: let them play on their own) and read a book!