baby steps

harrison turns 10 months on valentine's day - four days away.  jer and i have started talking about what we want to do for his first birthday.  where has the time gone??  he has started taking occasional little steps on his own.  (in the picture above he is "walking" toward the camera.  hence, the blurriness...and the happy grin).  tonight, he took three distinct steps toward papa (jer's dad).  it is so exciting!  and i am so overwhelmingly proud of him!  but, at the same time, i'm not ready for him to walk.  i want my sweet baby back.  the precious boy who never squirmed out of my arms...who fell alseep on my chest...who let me change his diaper without reaching for toys and squealing with delight when he can get away for a quick naked run (crawl) around the room...  : )  

don't get me wrong, naked runs are pretty darn cute!  but i feel like since the moment i gave birth to harrison i've been in a process of letting him go.  you know, cheering on the developmental stages, fostering his independence, teaching him to do things on his own...all things that good moms are supposed to do.  but all these things are the foundations of "letting go", aren't they?

maybe that's why i LOVED being pregnant so much.  i soaked up every second of it.  i didn't want to birth harrison.  i loved it when he kicked - which was all the time.  i wanted to keep him inside of me - all to myself - forever.  maybe if it had been summertime during my last trimester i wouldn't have felt that way?! : )  

i suppose all this contemplation is just a reminder to live in each moment.  enjoy the baby steps along the way...  be grateful for where we are at now - today.  don't be in a rush.  i have a friend who reminded me of this recently.  i am blessed to have a happy, healthy little boy...  i may FEEL like it's a process of letting go, but i don't have any idea what letting go really means.  my boy is here with me, and i get to look into his beautiful eyes and share a sweet smile anytime i want.  maybe i shouldn't confuse "letting go" with growing up.  after all, a little independence is a good thing.  it doesn't have to mean i'm letting go of harrison.  it can mean i'm teaching him in the way he should go...