Tuesday, April 1, 2008

ch-ch-ch-changes

i don't think i adjust well to change.  interesting that i've come to this conclusion because i've always considered myself quite mercurial. whether it's in a nightclub with a rock & roll band or in a 6th-grade girls bible study...whether in corporate america or at home...whether schmoozing with big wigs in vail or serving dinner to the homeless in a soup kitchen - i can adapt to most environments.  i get along with, pretty much, everyone.  i actually ENJOY different personalities and perspectives.  so, yes, that's me...super rachel...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

however...life changes are a different story.  i'm talking about those major transitions that, actually, change your life.  thus, you must change along with them.  sure, most of the time, you have a choice about the impending change.  getting married.  moving to a new city. having a baby. leaving the workforce.  but, even though you made a decision to make a change, the actually changing takes time.

i should have realized my issues with change years ago!  leaving my stable, happy life in bartlesville and getting married, moving to denver, starting a new job, finding a new church, making new friends (all at once!)....well, it put me in a tailspin.  my poor husband.  it wasn't much fun for him to go to bed with a newlywed wife who cried herself to sleep each night.  i am so very blessed that he was so immensely supportive!  it took a good six months to become acquainted and adjusted to my new life.    

this most recent change (staying home full-time) doesn't seem like that big a deal.  i love being with harrison!  and i love being at home! but, still, i'm beginning to notice some "symptoms" of the "life-change blues".  for example, i haven't made a home-cooked meal in weeks. i've been sleeping 10 hours at night and still feel tired during the day (is it possible to get too much sleep?).  i am not keeping the house as clean as i normally do.  i dropped out of my college class because i just couldn't motivate myself to complete it.  i haven't blogged in what seems like a LONG time.  

it's just those little differences that are whispering to me, "you're not quite yourself right now". 

i guess it is good that i'm now noticing these things and can work on them.  isn't acceptance the first step in any recovery program?  so...i accept my difficulties with change.  but i'm also going to cut myself some slack and allow myself the time to "get back to normal". whatever my new normal may be....


4 comments:

Becky said...

It is GOOD that you recognize all of it. Changes are hard, and I think staying at home is hard at times. I know that they say men's jobs are important to who they are, but if we work outside the home, so are ours, and it's a kind of loss when we leave it behind, even if it is something we wanted to do (serious run-on sentence there)! You lose certain relationships; you lose a status (not that it should be important, but it's still a loss). I think on some level, I learned that I was not as good at staying at home as I was at working (at least I didn't feel like it). I knew exactly what to do at work, how to succeed. I didn't feel like I knew how to do that at home. Anyway, don't feel bad - I think your feelings are normal, and you will adjust! If you feel like you might benefit from it, see if there is some way you can volunteer somewhere that would use your strengths!

Christy said...

Oh yes, I could write a book on this one. I have to say, being a stay at home mother is by far the most challenging "job" ever. There are no "schedules" or "systems" or "due dates" or "bosses" or PAY or RAISES or pats on the back...
Just a million things that you COULD do, but, which one first and why? I still struggle with finding myself in a rut and down in the dumps. I've been staying at home now for 11 and 1/2 years!! I wish I had the answer to it all. I don't. It really has to do with your personality. I know some moms do way better if they are super scheduled about everything. Others not so much. Others have to have something outside the home even if it's for an hour of volunteering like Becky said or a part time job or whatever. I find that if I schedule certain things in my day I do much better. Leaving plenty of time open for re-arranging etc. I HAVE to start the day with time in the Word of God and exercising. If I just tell myself that I'll fit them in some other time... they don't happen and before I know it, I'm bumming again!! I also found that Mother's Day Out was necessary to make me a better mother. I got me time and we all benefited from that. Anyway, just some thoughts. Love you!!!

Courtney said...

becomming a SAHM is hard for probably everyone!...but especially those that were once in a career and not just a job. all of the feelings and changes (emotions included) are very normal, but very difficult. I think everyone experiences them at different rates and varieties and extremes, but we all have them. I am happy for you that you have acknowledged them and I hope that you'll seek some godly women's relationships within your community (as well as blogging) because I know how vital that can be to healing and recovering (as well as obviously spending time with the Lord) (*but on that note, when I was in my deepest darkest moments through my journey with this, that relationship was probably the hardest to cultivate because of where I was emotionally...just don't let anyone tell you that you are less or not worthy or not faithful enough or whatever becuase you are going through this...it just isn't so...)

Dalene said...

Thanks for sharing all of this, dear sweet sweet Mrs. White. I've been worried. I'm not very good at keeping things consice in these comment zones... In fact, I feel I could write about 120 pages on this topic. I didn't read everyone else's comments, but know that what you're going through is perfectly normal (but I know doesn't make it super easy). Some of the most difficult adjustments are when things are GOOD, but just...different. I think you might be a little bit like me...always up for a challenge and a change, but because of that, ironically, a bit of stability is essential (otherwise, you could bounce all over the place?). It's a bit of a contradiction...and therein lies the difficulty. You'll work it out. Like you said, allow yourself some time to adjust and don't be too hard on one of my new favorite people.