Thursday, February 28, 2013

the reason for the depression

my friend, chelsea, and i had planned to meet for dinner last night but with harrison's sickness, we ended up canceling. she was, legitimately, concerned about the things she was reading on this here website and wanted to make sure i felt supported and to see for herself that i really am making my way out from under the dark cloud that's been looming overhead. she's a keeper, that chels.

since we had to cancel dinner we've been chatting back and forth via email. i swear, email is the busy mom's best friend. the minute i get on the phone my boys turn into chimpanzees. just today, in fact, as i was attempting to talk with my dad, i had to abruptly hang up and reintroduce two tooshies to the ouchie spoon. sigh. but email they don't seem to mind as much. they tend to remain more human and less monkey when i'm online. i don't know why...i'll just take it while i can get it.

a big fat my email response to chelsea i addressed the reasoning behind the depression, or at least what i, at this point, consider to be the reason behind it. i copied most of what i wrote to her so you can read it too...

so here we are. 6:43pm. jer is finally done working and the boys are finally getting to spend some much needed daddy-time with him. and i am finally getting to write back to you.

your concern after reading my blog is a legit one. i was, honestly, quite concerned myself. so i guess that's one good thing: i was sane enough to KNOW i was not acting like myself, and to KNOW that i need to speak to a professional, and to KNOW that i might need some temporary medicinal support. but thankfully, i really do feel better! i still plan to talk to someone about my feelings, and to make an appointment with the GYN you recommended (to discuss a hormonal correlation)...but at least i feel like the worst is over! for which i am incredibly thankful!

it was really jer who prompted me to figure out THE WHY behind what was going on. as i was talking to him one night (i wish i could remember exactly when this was, but it was toward the end of my depression) he asked me, "why is this happening now?" he went on to say that he is confused about the timing given that we finally have harrison in a kindergarten we like and are finally getting ready to start therapy. he commented about how odd it was that i was falling apart at this stage in the process as opposed to earlier.

the morning after that conversation, i was in the shower and it hit's been a heck of a long year (decision-making, schooling changes, jer's job stress, spd craziness), and things are finally at a point where we can pass the baton over to people who can help harrison (his teacher and his OT), we are finally at the point where i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. so what i realized is that the depression was just the result of holding in all the stress, emotion, worry, pain, etc. over the past 6 months (at least). it was my body's way of "crashing" after such a long journey.
interestingly, jeremy came upstairs at some point that same morning and said, "i get it". he continued to tell me that he thinks what i was feeling was just "relief"...after "holding it all together for so long"...and "i could finally let go". i thought it was poignant that we both came to the same conclusion separately. and i really think we were, and are, both correct.

as you said, as moms we do our darnedest to help and support everyone else and we put ourselves last! and i will be honest in telling you that jeremy has taken the boys skiing on many saturdays over the past couple months, which allows for great alone time, relax time, rejuvenation time, or girlfriend time. i am fortunate that even though he does work long hours, he is incredibly helpful when it comes to the boys.  BUT, up until now (now that i truly am feeling better), i was wasting that alone time!  i was mostly sleeping or vegging out in front of the tv, or eating a ton of sugar (my body's way of trying to energize itself and my heart's way of trying to numb its feelings). now that my head is clearer, i think my free time on saturdays will be much more wisely spent in caring for myself!

so that's the gist of it. as i said in this post...acceptance is the first step in recovery? well, here's to hoping and praying that searching, discovering and understanding the reasons WHY will be the final step to kicking this blue-ness to the curb!

or maybe i should just introduce depression to the ouchie spoon. that outta make him go running for cover!

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