the eye of the storm

shortly after jeremy and i were married he was called out of town on business.  his company at that time had offices in alpharetta, georgia and he was needed in meetings there.  coincidentally my cousin, lisa, and her family make their home in alpharetta and i had been to stay with them many times over the years as my own work took me to conferences there.  i decided to fly out and meet jer after his meetings were finished and felt comfortable asking my cousin if we could crash at their house for the weekend.  it made for a convenient, inexpensive and fun weekend getaway for two newlyweds with tight purse strings. 

while we were there i remember lisa's husband, russ, casually offering marriage advice.  he commented that in their own marriage he makes all the major decisions and lisa makes all the minor ones.  he went on to add that they had moved to australia, moved to wisconsin, moved back to georgia, had three children (now they have four), and all those events had been small.  nothing major.  basically, it was his way of saying "don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff".  (i had to google to find the originator of that quote.  thank you to author richard carlson).  it also may have been russ's way of saying "happy wife, happy life", which isn't necessarily a concept i live by, but it's pretty much true.  just saying. 

and russ was right.  

we've tucked eight years of marriage under our belts since that trip and i feel blessed to be able to say "it's all small stuff".  we've been sailing on smooth waters.  sure we've encountered the occasional rough wave, but no storm has been big enough to cause us to head for shore.

but as i was conversing with a friend recently i made an off-handed comment and after the words left my mouth i had a realization. 

what i said to my friend (and what i realized) is that all our recent decisions have felt like major ones. 

and, boy, am i tired of major decisions.  

it started one year ago, in december 2012, with deciding where to send harrsion to kindergarten, then the decision to homeschool, then having some concerns about him and deciding whether or not to evaluate him, then dealing with those results and deciding how to treat him, then deciding the best way to pay for treatment, and now deciding to send him to public kindergarten and, once again, trying to decide where to enroll him for first grade.

and, just to be really candid with you, since being blessed with the knowledge that our first born has some struggles, every itty bitty daily decision - the ones that are typically no-brainers - has become so heavy, so fraught with worry, so unceasing...it's almost enough to sink the ship. 

the other night as jeremy was kissing the boys goodnight in typical daddy fashion, a simple smooch turned into a five minute discussion involving the whats, whys, and hows of kissing harrison in a way that makes him comfortable.  a different night as we were hosting our neighbors for dinner harrison continually acted out (because he was wanting attention and didn't know how to ask for it, because he was excited our friends were here and didn't know how to handle that overwhelming emotion, because he wanted to be part of the conversation and just didn't know how to do that in a socially normal way.  my poor sweet boy.) which, eventually, caused me to go to bed in tears.  don't even get me started on the "what to make for dinner? what harrison will eat? how do i get more protein in his diet?" dilemna.  and then there's the constant battle of "will this bother him? will that bother him? if so, do we do it anyway (and expect/help him to deal with it)? or do we avoid it all together?"  how much do i tell/inform/prep others about harrison?  how much do i tell harrison about harrison?

the list goes on.

the ship keeps taking on water.

mind you, i am not referring to our marriage.  our marriage is fine.  strong, even, for which i am thankful.  although i can see how having children with illnesses/special needs could, very quickly, negatively affect marriage.  that's another post for another time.  what i am speaking about is my own personal ship.  i feel as though i've been bailing water for far too long and i'm too weary to maintain this pace.  frankly, i'm ready to dock on the sandy beach for a while.  a lounge chair and a fruity beverage would be very much appreciated too.

so while i am trying to think of all this stuff as small stuff...lately, i'm not finding much success.

the thought (and prayers) that gets me through focuses on my beliefs that everything happens for a reason and God is in control.  and there's one other little tidbit that i'm clinging to...someday, i know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that i will look back on this year(s) with another realization.

that we all weathered a storm.

and we kept on sailing.