i walk through my life with a deep understanding that everything happens for a reason. i've told you that many times before. so when things happen - or don't happen - my instant assumption is that that's just the way god meant it to be. and my instant question is "i wonder why?...what is this supposed to teach me?"
now. i'm not trying to be boastful or prideful or any of those things. i'm just trying to get across the concept that i have a theistic, rose-colored worldview. meaning, i believe god is in control and i believe he works out everything for our good. this does NOT mean that i have an easy life or that i don't struggle with things or that i don't sometimes become depressed or weary during tough times. i do. of course i do. and this does NOT mean that i don't worry. because i do. all the time.
but even though i worry somewhere inside me is a deep well of knowledge that everything will work out just as it's supposed to.
that understanding is the silent soundtrack of my life. it's constantly at play in the background.
it's just...i can't imagine living life with a different worldview. i know there are people out there who think god is out to get them. or maybe that god doesn't care about them. or maybe that god doesn't exist. or that bad stuff just happens for no reason. or that good stuff just happens for no reason. or that situations can simply be considered coincidences. or that they are in control of their own destiny.
i don't know how they do it.
sure, they might consider me weak or silly or ignorant...but i'd rather be all those things than feel alone in this world. i'd rather be labeled almost anything than to feel as though there's no such thing as a deeper meaning to it all.
this morning was no exception.
i took harrison to kindergarten.
of course you know that this morning, of all mornings, the boys did not wake up early. it's okay...they woke up on their own eventually with plenty of time to spare.
of course you know that this morning, of all mornings, i could not find my car keys. it's okay...i found them eventually and we still made it to school on time.
of course you know that this morning, of all mornings, harrison's new school was beginning the day in a different way - out of the norm - with an all-school assembly. the students did not line up outside as usual, they did not go to their classrooms as usual. instead, they all went into the gym. it was loud and chaotic and totally, completely not the way i wanted harrison's first day to be. it's okay...thankfully, we did find mrs. brown, harrison's new teacher and she was able to take him by the hand and sit with him. he seemed okay.
but here's the most interest thing...
before christmas break and then again this week, i desperately tried to get in touch with mrs. brown in an effort to ask her questions about the school day, get some insight, so i could prepare harrison for what to expect. that didn't happen. i was never able to reach her. yes, i felt anxious about this. very anxious. but, last night and again this morning before school i had a deep peace that god was orchestrating this situation so that i would trust in him. so that i wouldn't trust in mrs. brown and her abilities, but trust god and his abilities. so that i would turn to him with my concerns instead of anyone else.
do you remember how the same thing happened when we dropped harrison off at ski school? i wasn't able to speak to his instructor before hand. i had to leave him and trust. sure, there were tears. trusting, especially where my children are concerned, is hard for me. but it all worked out for the best.
well, this morning mrs. brown told me she has been trying and trying to call me. she showed me the phone number she had and asked if it was correct. of course it was. she said she's tried many times, even this morning before school, and every time my phone gives her the fast, busy signal.
i wasn't able to get in touch with her. she wasn't able to get in touch with me. i've received plenty of other calls and they all came through okay.
i have to ask...i wonder why? what is this situation supposed to teach me?
and i laugh. and i cry.
because, really, it all comes back to the exact same thing.
again and again, god is trying to tell me "i got this", "i'm in control", "i know what i'm doing", "i love harrison more than you do", "i want what's best for him"...
"YOU NEED TO TRUST ME!"
how do i know that's what he's trying to teach me? i can't explain it. i just know. it's just this deep feeling in my heart, in my being.
this morning, just like the first day of ski school, there were tears. BUT this time there was peace too.
so maybe, hopefully, i'm growing a little bit.
i think about how others would view this same experience. would they think i'm crazy for even considering a reason for a busy signal? i mean, it's just a busy signal! would they think i'm silly for looking for a deeper meaning behind this situation? maybe.
it's possible that i am off my rocker. i feel crazy most of the time. in fact, sometimes i think the looney bin would be a lovely, even spa-like, place to visit for a while! a nice get-away! :-)
so call me crazy. call me what you will.
because there's a god who called me "little lamb" and who called harrison "ottley". and his ways are higher - maybe even crazier - than our ways.
and i'm choosing to trust in that.