just a bit of babble

i'm melancholy today. some days are like that i guess. i did get cleaned up, put on makeup, got dressed in yoga pants let's just be honest, made the beds, unloaded the dishwasher...so i'm functioning. functioning is good. but i'm quiet. i don't have much to say. don't want to do much. just melancholy.

it was a stressful week. we went to STAR monday afternoon. took graham with us. drove there in a winter storm. drove home during rush hour in a winter storm. denny's and their baseball pancake kid's meal hailed us over to the side of the road and took us in until the business professionals were all home and allowed us clear roads and happy tummies for the rest of the trip.

we didn't have any other afternoon appointments this week which was so nice. from that standpoint i got nothin. no stressful complaints should be uttered from these lips. but my appointment-free afternoons were spent doing other things. like dealing with the washing machine that managed to die. well not die but have seizures. and one technician diagnosed a lid lock issue which didn't help and a second technician said everything seems to be functioning fine except you have to start and stop and start and stop and yell and scream and kick and babysit to get it to spin and drain. so i took it upon myself to diagnose epilepsy and drove to home depot and smashed 500 smackeroos onto the counter for a new washer with zero bells and zero whistles and definitely zero motherboards.

and i have to spend one afternoon next week calling the company who sent out the technician who misdiagnosed the washer who took my $216 and gave me a new part that didn't need to be new. and i hate having those types of conversations. 

and then just as jeremy and i finally came to an agreement about our future homeownership - that we will spend the next 12 months or so saving like crazy to pay off that last bloody when-will-it-ever-go-away student loan and to sock away a down payment and to update the minor things in our current home that will help make it market ready - a friend told us about a house a house for sale on a street we love and all hell broke loose. and so we got a bit sidetracked for a about 36 hours. and they were hand-wringing, god-seeking, broker-searching, lender-finding, husband-arguing, wife arguing too let's just be honest, stressful hours. until we got a call from the listing agent that he had accepted an offer and the house was not meant to be ours.

so when that so-called housing opportunity went away is when the peace came.

isn't that the way with distractions?

they suck.

they suck the peace right outta ya. 

so i'm grappling with that today. the questions of why. why can't life just be smooth? why do washers have medical issues? why do houses have to come to market just when we decide to stay put for the next year? why does it still have to snow when all i really want is sunshine?

and mostly why can't i just be content no matter the circumstances?

then i read that a friend from college - a friend with a beautiful wife and four beautiful children - has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and has a biopsy scheduled. which shoots my ranting in the foot because what's a washer and house compared to a life?

so i pray for benign and removable and miracle...and still i grapple.


me oh my this is heavy stuff for a saturday.

a heavy, full of questions, melancholy saturday.

some days are like that i guess.